Today I was in a bad mood. Eli did not take either of his naps and I had to come home earlier that expected from Parker (my parent's house). The past year I have not been able to bounce back from unexpected things as easily as I used to. I'm not sure why, for now, I will blame it on having a baby and possibly hormone changes. Anyways, I hate the way I have become so uptight and not able to go with the flow like I used to.
I had the idea to list the people I think I influenced today with my bad mood- maybe if I see it written next time I will choose differently next time.
1. Eli 2. Mom 3. Cesar 4. LaResa 5. Ivaras 6. Me
I have a hard time making decisions. It bugs me badly. It's like I have to have validation from the person I'm with (Cesar, mom, etc...) Today I went to work at LaResa's house. My grandma is visiting and I knew I wanted to see her while I was in Parker today. I didn't know if I should try to put Eli to sleep for his first nap at LaResa's house or just go to my mom's and try there, or just totally forget the nap. So...I decided to try at my mom's. It didn't work, and then I got really stressed out and anxious. From that point on, I found it really hard to just enjoy myself. I miss so much going to my paren'ts house and relaxing and enjoying it. But the truth lately has been I am always anxious when I am there because we are missing Eli's nap or bedtime. My parent's got a new hot tub today. I would love to be able to go and just sit in it and relax. The truth is I haven't been able to relax all year. I am constantly thinking about getting a massage, but haven't been able to yet. I love being a mom and I love Eli soooo much! I am grateful to Heavenly Father for allowing me to be Eli's mom and trusting me with one of his sons. I feel ungrateful and selfish for complaining about motherhood, but it is how I feel. It is a big trail for me and I'm grateful for it because I know I will eventually learn what I need to learn. I think I need to learn about the value of work, about love, about sacrifice, humility, and most of all faith.
No comments:
Post a Comment